I just received an urgent email from a Nigerian prince. Apparently the royal family needs my assistance to transfer $80 million from Nigeria to a reputable bank in the United States. If I help them out, I get to keep half the money. Is that cool, or what? I don’t know how many 100 calorie snack packs I could buy with 40 million bucks, but it’s got to be quite a few.
Unfortunately, some crooked official in the Nigerian Ministry of Finance is gumming up the works. To earn half of this amazing fortune, I have to wire this creep a $5,000 bribe so that he’ll stop blocking the bank transfer. After that, I’ll be up to my ears in little green and white foil packages of Lorna Doone shortbread cookie crisps. And let’s face it, life doesn’t get any better than that.
I’m sure the email is legit. First, it’s addressed to Mr. (or Ms.) Navy Thriller. (That’s me!) Second, the prince nearly spelled the word Nigeria correctly. (Pretty good for someone who doesn’t speak much English.) And third, this guy’s a prince and a multimillionaire. Why would he lie?
There’s only one problem. I don’t happen to have a spare $5,000 laying around. Luckily, I’ve already worked out a solution. I divided $80 million by $5,000 and discovered that each dollar of my bribe money will free up $16,000 of the royal family’s funds. With a little work, I think I can scrape together about $18.00 of working capital for this deal. Not quite what the prince has in mind, but obviously much better than nothing.
By my calculations, if I send my $18.00 to this crooked Nigerian official, he will permit the transfer of $288,000 into my bank account. I have to share half of that with the royal family, but that still leaves me with $144,000. That’s not as cool as $40 million, but it will still buy a lot of Lorna Doones.
I’ve decided to go for it. I’d be a complete idiot not to. And then I’m going to respond to another promising email that recently showed up in my inbox. It turns out that certain parts of my anatomy can be enlarged without surgery. This must be my lucky day!
No wonder all those beautiful Russian women want to marry me.